I Have Your Back

I have your back.
You are asleep by my side and all is quiet.
I can finally exhale and feel my heart beat.
I hold you gently , your fragile weak body.
Your breathing is shallow and your movements are slow.
Your hand resting in mine feels like a weight too heavy for both of us. 
Yet I grasp it with strength trying to infuse you with whatever energy I have left.
You see, Chaim Boruch, there isn’t anything else in the world that I’d want to do other than care for you right now.
Yesterday, when I somehow lifted your heavy legs into the bathtub, while trying to steady myself while seating you on the shower chair, I made sure the water was a perfect temperature and stroked your shoulders so you could enjoy a few moments of comfort.
I was standing in the bathtub holding you steady with one hand, my clothes were soaked and my eyes were moist with tears.
Not because this is hard and not because this is a challenge but because the love I’m feeling right now is so tangible I could almost touch it.
With every fiber of my being I pray for you to be okay.
And not just okay, but really okay…in your heart.
I recognize the look in your eyes. It’s one of despondency and exhaustion.
I don’t think you understand what has even happened to you. 
I think this breaks my heart over and over when I think about it.
I tried to explain. I really did.
I took you to the hospital and met with a child life specialist and went over all the photos of what would transpire and yet my heart sank with every smile of yours because I knew you didn’t understand.
You chose the scent of the anesthesia that I would hold to your breath, and you smiled because you liked the smell of ‘cotton candy’…..
If only you knew.
At the sight of your severe scoliosis, each time I changed you I would shudder.
And now, I look at the wound centered on your back and I shudder.
But this time, my heart feels as heavy as your body.
I cling to all the hopes and dreams I paint in my mind and I study your eyes every day in search for my Chaim Boruch.
At night my mind is blank and numb. 
My body hurts from the day’s love and yet when I dream I see you running in grassy fields, full of laughter and smiles.
I awake to a continued labor of love and I keep telling you every day that I love loving you because I do.
You will heal. We will all heal.
Because the miracles of life from G-d above are outstanding and magnificent.
Every breath, every step, every smile.
My heart will never let you go.
I have your back.

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