Last shabbos was my oldest son’s Bar Mitzvah! So yes, I can finally breathe again and greet my regular busy and full life!
I will be making a new resoltion to write more often and not allow this outlet to drift into my cloud of dreams that seem to hover over my head!
The Bar Mitzvah was spectacular! It was everything I had imagined it would be, and my heart feels full and happy and so very proud.
The hardest part of the Bar Mitzvah was the 5 meltdowns that Chaim Boruch had.
Of course it was at the most difficult times for me, either I was surrounded by so many people or my husband was not available to scoop him up like he usually does…
It was those moments of heightened anxiety and deep weakness that I felt I was being crushed.
I was torn into pieces. I was raw. I was vulnerale. I was broken.
I couldn’t pick him. Physicaly and spiritualy.
Those moments passed and although they took their toll on us both, we had many cuddle moments throughout, and I could tell he felt sorry and so did I.
So today I decided that if I am really true to my words and apologizing to my son for not being able to ‘pick him up’…I must start the mending now.
I started to excrcise. I need physical strength. I need to be able to ‘pick him up’.
So, today I felt great! energetic, loving, strong and ready.
Ready. Ready for what?
I realized that I am ready to learn how to ‘pick him up’ spiritually. How to handle the emotional pulls and how to keep balanced on my tightrope even when his big thrashing body of screams and cries overwhelm me.
I am ready.
I am ready to ‘pick him up’ by picking myself up.
I need to find some time to breathe, excercise, write and be still…and be silent and be present.
I need some time to just be me.
I am ready.
It’s time to pick up. It’s time to move on.