So why did I cry?


Today was just a ‘regular’ busy day including a meeting at Chaim Boruch’s school with his physical therapist.

Chaim Boruch wants to walk so badly and we have been trying various types of walkers to see which ones works best.

So it has been months of assesing which walker can he hold onto without falling, which walker can he maneuver himself best with and which one would help Chaim Boruch avoid colapsing from his own weight.

So today I saw his little shining face , all smiles and happy sounds as he cruised down the big, long hallway.

His little body wobbled, legs shaky and feet scattered in many directions. His hands held on with determination and the confidence he had was more than I could ever dream of having in my lifetime.

Full of smiles and clearly showing me what he’s been working on for so long.

I stood at the end of the hallway cheering him on and telling him how proud I am and that he’s doing great!

I  felt my heartbeat attached to that walker, as each step he took, it seems to spark my heart beat, giving it life and vitality.

Wow, what a moment we had reached…finally it looks like this walker was a winner and so was my child.

I thanked the therapist and my husband scooped up our little ‘walking boy’ and headed down the hall back to our car.

My husband, turned to me with a huge smile and with that familiar pride said “Can you believe he’s walking!!, It’s just so amazing to see him with that walker!”

My eyes welled up with tears and my throat felt tight and dry.

I know…he’s doing so well and I’m so happy…it’s just that he looks so different in that walker…it’s a whole new step for me in my “walk” through life…I’ts a different look, I’m not yet used to…it’s a new rhythm to my heartbeat and it’s just hard…

It’s these fleeting moments when my eyes see part of reality that maybe I try not notice.

Was I crying from the opposing emotions inside me? Was I crying from my own fears of heading out into the big world with more stares, questions and wonder…lots of wonder…

Was I crying from my own needs of being a mother that just yearns for a normal day?

Maybe it’s all of the above…or maybe it’s none of the above…

Maybe it’s the sheer intense love I have for my child, wishing he would not know challenge like he does.

Maybe it’s just one of those days…

Yet, all tucked into his bed I whisper in his ear ; “Chaim Boruch – You looked great in your walker…

I look forwards to walking with you and seeing the world…”

We both smile.

“Good night my walking son”.

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